i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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