I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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