How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
