capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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