I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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