I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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