I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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