I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
