Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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