I'd wear matching sweaters with you
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
