I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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