i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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