Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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