After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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