hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
