Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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