If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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