Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
