New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Randomize
