Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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