Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
