Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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