I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
