The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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