How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
