I threw up into my coffee this morning.
vagina is talking i cant
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize