not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
