You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
