I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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