I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
