some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
