she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
