Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
