I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
No more Irish car bombs ever.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
