Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
