I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
