i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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