i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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