I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
