woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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