Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
