She is in my trunk
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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