considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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