I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
we're so committed to being not committed
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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