I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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