if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
