This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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