i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
