Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
