is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
