i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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