i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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