Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You're a waste of cheezeits
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
