I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
