You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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