Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
