Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
