it hurts more in the daytime
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I need moral support for this bender
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
