The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
