I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize