I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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